This page is one big goddamn tsunami of opinion and lies. You must search to find what you are looking for.

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You people just will not let up with your autocunnilingus searching. Here's the best autocunnilingus evidence I've yet seen: I rest your case.

The scribe is thus compelled to confess his self-deprecation is simply a subtle device to hide the fact that his opinion of himself is immense. He's secretly, privately, convinced he has never been wrong. He has never had the slightest doubt about the worth or veracity of anything he has ever written, nor about any opinion he has ever expressed. Over many years the scribe has been flawless, excellent, infallible and uncommonly intelligent. And, yes, he has used self-deprecation to hide his embarrassing brilliance. It was a matter of time before some genius revealed the grisly truth.

Do you think you know what the hell the ABC should be doing? Paul Gray does. And as he's only to happy to tell you, he doesn't like what he's seeing it doing, not one little David Marr bit. If for some reason you do feel any kind of sorrow or remorse for Certain Actions of "our" historic ancestors, or can dare to find ANY FAULT with the Government, whatsoever, (other than perhaps their EXCESSIVE FUNDING AND INSUFFICIENT CONTROL OF THE ABC) you can join other screaming loony "let's just deny Jesus and surrender to the Muslims" lefties as a Friend of the ABC. It's not much but it's the best we've got. Get active for Aunty - come along to the Molotov Cocktail Cover Knit-in on December 23rd. (You missed a blazingly satirical Simpsons on recent tragicomedies the other night).

Here's a bunch of diversions, mainly culled from Saturday's SMH: vintage arcade game machines in Australia (and elsewheres), the Ask Philsophers project bringing useless abstract thought to da people (includes a mathematics section (philosophy of mathematics gives me a woody)), free virtual world building software (including a Python based modeller from Disney), some inspiring conceptual art via the Bubble Project and, for ABC-teat adherents, a bunch of good news involving Clive Robertson. Reality Robbo. Sigh.

Warm, freshly baked congratulations are directed to charismatic filmmaker Melissa Azizi whose recent still unfinished film The Bleeding Man nevertheless won the Best Direction and People's Choice awards at the UTS Golden Eye Festival Of Deserved Recognition. Read the Official Pronouncements that show I'm Not Just Making This Up, see Melissa pictured gloating victoriously with equally charming co-pilot Will, watch a beta version of the film on company time and bandwidth (thanks to the good people at Viocorp, employers to Dave of Dappled Cities Fly and sometime host of their film clips) or click around the perpetually immanent Cinedream website, business love child of Will and Mel. Yay!

Via Crikey I came across the bizarrely named REDI, an Australian goverment site for Resilience Education and Drug Information: getting you REDI to take drugs, apparently. There's even a helpful translator service so you can brush up on your jargon and not look lame trying to score from the guys at that weird cafe ("Pardon me my good man, might you procure some chronic for myself and my good lady friend here? Some Mexican valium perhaps?") or dob in newly emerged drug names, you lousy rat fink. When you're done, you may never have actually bothered with the following site and should do so now -- it's your tax dollars at work, after all. This is Australia's National Security site and is necessarily for AUSTRALIANS ONLY so stay out of there you filthy foreigners. We don't want the the terrorists to know we're currently only on MEDIUM alert and ripe for targetting. Having now published something possibly inciting terrorism, let me be part of Internet history by linking to that naughty leaked secret "anti-terror" bill. Wasn't Media Watch even naughtier to mirror some of it? Next it'll be on the Dolly Rocker Movement site. Damn hippies.

You could be appalled at what Pacific Magazines are trying to do to our impressionable young male minds but probably won't. Make FHM Jr. a take home reader for kindergarteners? Why not indeed?

A special hello to the HUNDREDS of people visiting this page looking for information on autocunnilingus. Thank you for your curiousity. Welcome, in the spirit of autocunnilingus we warmly orally embrace you. You'll find more about this fascinating subject below: I want to know more about autocunnilingus and fetal masturbation. I understand I may learn things that shock and arouse me. Please have your credit card details ready. For more smut keep reloading the page until you are redirected. Offended sensitive Disney Christian types may prefer to leave this bawdy site immediately for some harmless LEGO. Or wait in hope for salvation in the form of the Family Friendly 1000th Irregular Webcomic!. It's a big deal if you like base-10. Myself I'm waiting for episodes 1023 and 1024. (The Shakespeare and Nigerian stories are my favourites).

Maybe it's just me but I've got a good feeling about the artist Jenny Sages:

"I run and I swim every morning. After that I go up to the studio and expect the fairy cobblers to have done this beautiful work overnight. Often by nightfall I've begun to hate it, but when I look again in the morning I see it's not so terrible and I should wait a while before I kill myself."

That thoughtful national treasure John Doyle, AKA Roy Slaven, did us the honour of presenting this year's ABC 702 Andrew Olle Media Lecture and it was powerful wondrous: ABC-lovin', fool-mockin', compassionate, funny and apocalyptic as all get out. Hugely uplifting ending, too (if you find utterly bleak uplifting). For your unique pleasure and worktime distraction avail yourself of the text of the speech here or better yet pour the rich resonant audio into your preferred mp3 playing device.

While you're trawling the 702 site, take a look who the public are clamouring for to replace that impossibly soft Aunty Julie McCrossin. Won't someone please give Clive Robertson his old job back?

Also tangentially recommended is the Media Report of October 6th, concerning journalism and terrorism, bloggin' and the death of journalistic authority. Help yourself as ever to the transcript or the kindly proferred mp3 podcast for your commuterly edification and diversion. You might as well - you bastard well paid for it.

And in a final nugget of ABC obsessin', who the fuck knew Holly Throsby was the daughter of Margaret Throsby? Margaret's certainly never mentioned it in my hearing. It would explain why Margaret knew who Bonnie "Prince" Billy was. Remind me to play some Holly when Margaret has me on for her morning interview.

For no good reason I got to be thinking about LEGO. Remember LEGO? Active wondering turned up a few notable results. Firstly, perhaps you'd care for some free virtual LEGO -- just like in Microserfs. You don't have to clean it up and you can't kneel on it. It's Official ® ™ up- and downloadable and everything (these tutorials may help you design your dream house, brick lover). As usual, Wikipedia has a lot more to say about LEGO. Wargames for LEGO models, for example (maybe this artist's impression conveys it better). But also this intriguing, relentlessly daily web comic, Irregular Webcomic! by a Sydney astro/physics nerd who typically works in the medium of LEGO. Danger Mouse, the artist/author, has quickly become something of a ShortDurPerSav for me with his wacky invented programming languages (ha! HAHAHA!) and Crows Nest restaurant reviews. Ah but you can't escape the Terror so easily. I'd link to Leunig's cartoon of this last Saturday here but I can't seem to place my browser on it. I'll give you the text verbatim, anyway:

FREEDOM F.A.Q.

Q: HOW IS FREEDOM BEING PROTECTED?

A: IT HAS BEEN LOCKED IN A STEEL CONTAINER WHERE NOBODY CAN GET AT IT

Q: WHAT IF THE SKY FALLS IN AND CRUSHES THE STEEL CONTAINER?

A: WE'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT AND HAVE PLACED THE STEEL CONTAINER IN AN UNDERGROUND CONCRETE BUNKER.

Q: YES BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE OR MOLTEN LAVA SEEPS UP INTO THE BUNKER?

A: IN THAT CASE TROOPS WILL BE MOBILISED AND SUBURBS WILL BE LOCKED DOWN.

Q: YES BUT WHAT IF THERE'S A TSUNAMI AND THE TROOPS GET BIRD FLU... WHO'S GOING TO LOCK DOWN THE SUBURBS THEN?

A: WE'VE THOUGHT OF THAT AND IT'S ALL UNDER CONTROL.

Luckily there's this recent Bob the Angry to bring you cheer!!

THE MAN
they got me
ticket inspectors
LURKING
at my own suburban little station
POUNCING
TEARING TENDER FLESH
TAKING DOWN DETAILS
HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS

So Cakehead and I recently pissed away several perfectly good hours trawling the appalling depths of Wikipedia. Particularly intriguing was this entry on autocunnilingus (despite how it sounds, don't be afraid to look this entry up on company time: it's an encyclopedic entry which makes it OK and SFW). Autocunnilingus is an intriguing concept described in the entry as "(possibly hypothetical)". At Jocasta's suggestion THANK YOU VERY MUCH I consulted Swami "Too flexible for [her] own good" Rani, peerless expert in matters of human flexibility (and, less relevantly, cat yoga) and I am pleased to report her considered opinion. She had a good proper think about it before deciding it was "probably possible". So there you have it. Now back to that artist's impression.

For more uncomfortable sexual practices you'll wish you hadn't read this. I do.

Ah, Glebe. Stickers have appeared through the neighbourhood asking "Who's afraid of Scott Parkin?" Certain wags have written in replies in the space provided, my particular favourites to date being (in elegant hoary copperplate) "I probably am, who is he?" and (in a more angsty young scrawl) "My sister is".

The good public servants at everyone's ABC have taken the trouble to make a whole stack of their programs available via this shiny new podcast format - ideal for new iPod owners. Why spend your time enjoying your favourite music when you could spend your time being informed and enraged by current affairs? Being too old for JJJ and counting myself one of the 4 or 5 of what Clive Robertson dismisses as "Radio National listeners" I'm savvier with their offerings which are conveniently lumped together here. There are others tucked away through the rest of the ABC site. My personal predilection is for the weekly Media Report which airs on Thursday mornings. Their program of 25/08/05 is a particularly good one, praising Media Watch to the skies before kicking back with a leisurely chat about the Simpsons.

Let me recommend to you an extraordinary 1000+ page comic book I just finished. I know how that sounds -- I was skeptical at first, too. I found it in the newish graphic novel section of Manly Library and hefting it's great black and white mass I was appalled. Appalled, and, increasingly, aroused. With curiousity, that is. Although the main young human nymphette Thorn... phwoar. The "graphic novel" is called simply Bone and it's the product of ONE LONE ARTIST, 12+ years of his life he'll never get back, and a wife either unbearably patient and nurturing or just obliviously retarded. The epic scale naturally invites comparisons with the Lord of the Rings but funnier, in the vein of a Studio Ghibli production (imitates aeroplane). The artistry is masterful (for a comic) and holds up through the thousands of frames, with diverse characters and styles. Grand/hackneyed themes of fate and power run throughout. Moby Dick references are a surreal bonus. Wikipedia has a plot-spoiling overview. You can also call by the fan page replete with Geocities popups. If you have disposable income you might like to buy yourself a copy. If you need a charity case, by me a copy too. Otherwise make do with your Local Library. Their dearest wish is to satisfy every one of their patron's foolish whims.

We talk like continents
I could wreck myself on your shores
in the dark

Emperor Carr, please, come back any time. At least return to our airwaves. I will miss your rich booming tones, your wit, your ridicule (in short, your question time in parliament), your intolerance for the common folk and their gardening, fishing and golfing, your Roman and American President quoting. We'll never have it so good again. Feel the Carr love with David Marr, recorder of the bouncing and the roaring. I wonder who'll take over as Minister for the Arts. Certainly not Premiemma.

Apart from Monday night's Media Watch (ABC Television, no earlier than 9.15pm) the other Media day of my week is Thursday when I make a point of passing a newsagent to avail myself of a copy of one of that naughty Mr. Murdoch's papers, the Australian. I pretty much buy it for one certain column: that of Errol Simper, a certain scribe, in the Media section. Here's a pretty good example of what's to like.

Dig Kitten War, pretty computer generated cityscapes and The Simpsons at Wikipedia.

Appreciation is directed at Martin for pointing out the petty wonders of the Australian's Media Watch Files, a special report into the tax-payer funded softie-leftie bias of Media Watch and its biased hatred for the impeccable unbiased News Ltd (hey, they did break the Certain Maritime Incident story).

Punctuation usin' literary fags may be interested to hear this "podcast" discussion from huggable Aunty Julie McCrossin's Life Matters program on How Writing Saved Me with Augusten "Running With Scissors" Burroughs and Lee "Crack Ho" Stringer. It's futurific.

Jacked from the weekend SMH: An all-knowing angel once offered to answer any question - but only one. A committee of philosophers and logicians formulated the question "What is the ordered pair of which the first element is the best question we could ask, and the second element is the answer to it?" hoping thus to get the angel to formulate the best question for them. The angel replied, "The first member of the ordered pair is the question you have just asked me, and the second member is this, my answer to it."

For possibly the second time ever on the internet, the list of loves and hates Patrick White gave to Brett Whiteley, by which to better know and portray him in a painting you will never see:

Also, (arguably) the world's smallest website. Cute. Little. Pixely. Iconic.

Page through the Classic FM Hottest 100 Piano Pieces which results were released in February from a survey last year. I wonder if they'll be releasing the hard data of vote statistics for crunching by a skeptical public - could Chopsticks really come in at No. 7? Is it really a desert island disc for Australia's voting public? Look at the perpetually incumbent federal government - I think maybe. Other notable rankings: 73. Shostakovich - 24 Preludes and Fugues, 40. Cage - 4'33" and 28. Liszt - Piano Sonata in B minor (G.178) (my personal selection).

Macquarie Students: Avoid PC01 in E6A123 - you'll tire your arms out firmly pounding the Spacebar pleading for some kind of response.

If you haven't been to any Hobart hippie markets lately you may be unaware of recent developments in feral menstruation. It may be my pleasure then to direct you to learn more about the Keeper, designed by a woman, for women. Don't let your bodily fluids go to waste - BE A KEEPER. Turn your uterine lining into a GOLDMINE.

Media Watch Watchers: Please join me in welcoming trendy journalist babe Liz Jackson to Media Watch which has at last returned to the airwaves passing through your body every moment whether you like it or not... ahem... Monday nights at 9.15 pm. The repeat broadcast now airs every five minutes on ABC Digital or Wednesday nights at 11.50 pm for we stone age analog viewers.

Your ABC is a funny thing. You can't not pay for it, and what do you get back? Forbidden Chaser/CNNNN/Today Today love, for one. And, libelously, majestically, the Closet Recordings of Alan Jones, which I highly recommend. Ain't no loony left bias in your everyone's ABC.

Your tax dollars are also at work funding a new hobby of mine: watching traffic. Live photos from the Sydney Harbour Bridge, the Glebe Island Bridge, a bit of the Sydney CBD and various desolate freeways. Great for a semblance of human contact in the witching hours. If this itches your transportspotting soul, good old RailroadData.com has plenty more. I also like this Russian traffic watchers site, mainly for the Russian ads.

My Architect is a stupidly titled film. The speaking made me pray for death but the buildings are nice. So are these steamy occult "doodles" which a local court registrar dug up.

Certain elements are none too pleased with self-confessed "notorious Lefty" David Marr's recent essay in "one of Australia's many taxpayer-funded loopy-Left little magazines". I rather enjoyed it. Amongst other things the essay bears the opinions of angry commentators Andrew Bolt of the Herald Sun, Piers Akerman of The Telegraph, Tim Blair of The Bulletin and Gerard Henderson of the Sydney Institute on just what kind of no good scum lefties are. See what all the fuss is about with either the more than complete text (double the cuss words!) at Margo Kingston's site or a more or less provocative version for readers of the Australian with excerpts excerpted.

I'm going to miss Marr on the idiot box but word has it he'll be returning to the SMH. Meanwhile here's a handy link for David Marr related news at Google.

In case you missed it on air (as I did) here's a text edition of the recent ABC documentary on the sinister composer/conductor/satanist/serial pervert Eugene Goossens, care of rmcr.

In shameless acknowledgement of the discerning fine arts tastes of the readership to which I aspire I now present a link dump harvested from a not particularly good classical music guide (although it did bring to my attention the existence of this which if I ever find the damn thing: wow) I recently finished skimming.

Andante is your generic fine arts webzine to feed your appetite for distraction. Classical.net has the obvious classic domain name, serving a basic repertoire guide and reviews et hoc genus alles. The WWW Virtual Library of Classical Music is nominally for K12 kids but I think there's probably more in it for their teachers. The nauseatingly patriotic ClassicalUSA.com has little original content but a wealth of links to other better sites, which is just as well. My violinist sister Tegan Hilary Hahn has her wewwy own website showcasing her insights and young fancies, tour postcards and steamy nude pics (the Lark Ascending on her new album is achingly beautiful). In addition to blogs like this one you also have the historic rec.music.classical.recordings newsgroup archive at google, where you can always find someone to agree with you and 17 people who hate your stupid guts. But best of all is good old Arts and Letters Daily which is actually only updated 6 out of every 7 days but remains crammed full of goodness, ideas, criticism and debate nevertheless. It retired some time ago and now it's back. In Pog form.

'tis almost too good to be true. Thought you could stay close to God listening to "light classical music"? BAM! Classical Music is wicked evil. This harrowing account of DEMONIC PAGAN TUBA MANIA will send chills up your spine! Read about the horrors of Minor Keys with their evil power to distract you from your bible studies! Gag as you contemplate the prospect of music by known homosexuals! Understand the truth behind Bartok's evil zombie head, a man SO EVIL he had several marriages! You may also enjoy the link to the testimonials of ex-Christian-Rockers heading that page. I know I did. Also these classic classical album covers. Ah the 70s.

Media Watch host and Patrick White lover David Marr enjoyed a celebrity seat upgrade at a Goldner String Quartet concert in Sydney on Sunday night.

Marr and his companions were visibly annoyed during the performance by the disruptive sounds made by fellow concert-goers seated in the gallery at the sold-out finale concert in the Verbruggen Hall at the Sydney Conservatorium. Marr and his companions left the gallery at the end of the first work, Beethoven's String Quartet No. 5. He complained to concert staff and was upgraded to a seat amongst better disciplined patrons on the main floor of the hall.

One of Marr's party was seen to shush noise-makers in the rows behind them and Marr along with other audience members visibly struggled to contain murderous impulses. A few tense moments later a cell phone in the row behind Marr began to ring its idiotic ring, growing progressively louder before its owner was able to switch it off. Blood would have been spilt had the interruptions not defused tensions somewhat with their uncanny sense of perversely comic timing.

Nearby audience members rushed to take advantage of the better vantage of Marr's vacated seats in the gallery's first row.

The remainder of the concert passed without repeat of the earlier disturbances as a chastised audience conducted themselves with decorum although during the last movement of the evening, the demanding Great Fugue, one gentleman was heard to scratch his knee rather loudly.

When asked if the sounds of Marr's annoyance would be preserved on the ABC Classic FM recording of the performance, to be broadcast in the coming week and released next year on CD, technicians stated it was "unlikely".

Marr is thought to have enjoyed the remainder of the program although he has not responded to our requests for comment.

Get yourself a texty Jesus or anything else you might care for at Toogle. See geek babes, actresses, musicians, writers, perverts, statesmen and text editors as you have never seen them before.

Some poor web user was recently referred to this page by these Yahoo! search results, no doubt given rather the wrong impression by the accidentally salacious page sample reproduced below:

... becoming embroiled in a mobile phone scandal. The controversy erupted ... In looking for a lover, one could do worse than ... very-Sydney business of Alan Jones rubbing himself up against ...

Here's a wonderfully stupid NetHack comic, Dudley's Dungeon. It's text -- not graphics -- intensive is the main thing. You might also wish to conserve bandwidth reading this hilarious guided tour of NetHack, a typical text-based game.

Satisfy your inner nerd at the Mathematics of Futurama page. That is all.

So I didn't see it on the day, perhaps you did, but Google had a special Bloomsday logo. Which was nice of them, considering.

A gut-warming tale about a man and his intestinal parasite friend. Lovingly, stylishly illustrated.

If you're like a lot of people, you probably live in Glebe. Did you know that you and your fellow Glebians have your very own corner of the internet? Glebenet, it will change how you feel about your responses and feelings.

If you're the kind of narrow-minded jerk who refuses to absorb information anyhow other than from your comforting, "liberal" Sydney Morging Herald and the ABC, you may have missed this television ad for copypaper. It's kind of sexy, kind of funny, kind of offensive and shows us so much about ourselves. More of it, I say.

Sydney – Monday 24 May

The crisis facing psychedelic Sydney band The Dolly Rocker Movement has worsened today, with drummer Jamie Van Veldhoven becoming embroiled in a mobile phone scandal. The controversy erupted Sunday evening when the contents of a text message Van Veldhoven sent to his girlfriend became known to other members of the highly-rated group. While a complete transcript has yet to be made available, it is believed the words "sweetie, cuddles and love" all featured. In a statement released this morning Van Veldhoven refused to comment directly, instead issuing a passionate plea for the media to "keep the fuck away from my personal life you dickheads". The rest of the group is in shock. "Quite frankly its behaviour unbecoming of a garage rocker in this day and age", bass player Ricky Drabsch allegedly told a source. "Such displays of affection are both unexpected and unwanted." For his lack of lewdness Van Veldhoven is likely to be put on cigarette duties for a week and made to ingest copious amounts of illicit substances at the earliest possible opportunity.

This situation only deepened the mire the emerging stars found themselves in last week, when artwork drawn by group founder and 2006 APRA songwriting award nominee Daniel Poulter was seen by work colleagues. The doodles, featuring flowers and a cute bunny rabbit, struck a severe blow to the group’s previously impeccable image. "Daniel has been sent a strong message that while such images may be appropriate in his own home, as a Dolly Rocker he has a responsibility to fulfill the ethos of depraved drug-induced debauchery wherever possible" stated keyboardist Martin Walters. "We’ve arranged lessons where he will be taught to draw pictures reflecting the true darkness of his soul, as well as naked wenches dispensing x-rated pleasures."

The band’s damage control came ahead of its much-anticipated show with Sway at the Surry Hills Excelsior on Wednesday May 26. The support slot featured in the finale of Sway’s Blueprint Sessions residency. Those wanting to enjoy the psych-induced garage pop of The Dolly Rocker Movement were eventually encouraged to arrive by 8pm.

The Brazen Head, compendia of so much heady Joyce lore, is so kind as to offer this overview of Ulysses (with a helpful section for new reader's under the heading IN CASE OF JOYCE BREAK GLASS. Quailigans Quake recommends a pint and offers further encouraging words for those Wanting To Read James Joyce. Finally, for visual-spatial readers, there is the must see Ulysses for Dummies where-in the entire novel is summarised into a fistful of badly drawn, frantically animated graphic files. It gone funk you up. The bodily functions on the beach and in the garden are classic.

So Sydney band Dappled Cities Fly recently released a film clip for their new single Peach. They have a detailed series of photos documenting the making of the video and if you haven't seen it yet you can get some idea of the colourful, temporally challenging, multiversal DappleVision^TM effect the clip is shot in. But have a closer look at the photos. Who is that eerily familiar "director"? Why, yes, it's smiley celebrity OWEN TREVOR!

In unrelated visual representations of sound, my heart has recently been warmed by another nautical-oriented text rock band (in the tradition of June of 44, the Shipping News and Victory at Sea): Helms. Now brine-soaked nautical text rock may well be an aquired taste or even, depending how you look at it, a telltale predilection of the superior listener, but even so, take a look at their gorgeous poster art. Can I just say, power lines in silhouette and skeletons in trees beneath the sea?

BLOOMINGTON, IL—Claire Thompson, author David Foster Wallace's girlfriend of two years, stopped reading his 67-page breakup letter at page 20, she admitted Monday.

"It was pretty good, I guess, but I just couldn't get all the way through," said Thompson, 32, who was given the seven-chapter, heavily footnoted "Dear John" missive on Feb. 3. "I always meant to pick it up again, but then I got busy and, oh, I don't know. He's talented, but his letters can sometimes get a little self-indulgent." Foster, the award-winning author of The Broom Of The System and the 1,079-page Infinite Jest, met Thompson in March 2001 through mutual friends.

A political-science professor at Illinois State University, where Wallace teaches creative writing, Thompson said pages 4 through 11 of the letter chronicled the deterioration of the relationship "fairly well." She specifically cited Item 64, on page 7, from the section, "How I Can Tell Things Have Changed":

"It used to be that if you were away from the table or in the next room or otherwise unable to witness this admittedly unsavory and wholly intrusive activity on my part, in little spasms of unhealthy obsession I would peek into your Day Runner Personal Planner so as to gauge how much together-time we would have during the upcoming week at a glance; lately, however—if you are at all able to move past this revelation of my no-two-ways-around-it unforgivable and unjustifiable invasion of privacy and on to the rather telling point—I have found myself either viewing the week-at-a-glance in actual anticipation of our time apart or, even when opportunities for unfettered peeking presented themselves, ignoring your Day Runner Personal Planner altogether such as just last week when, stooped in rummaging position, I opted to remove from your bag and guiltily read cover-to-cover a copy of Fine Cooking magazine, therein choosing to glean particulars about the cultivation, culinary traditions, and preparation of white asparagus over those of our precious little time together."

In addition to compiling the many reasons why the relationship was no longer working, Wallace's letter featured sections on "Why We Could Never Grow Old Together," "Ways It—Us, The World, And Everything—Has All Changed," and "Things I've Never Told You (That Will Certainly Change Your Mind About Me)."

"One thing I found annoying was that you had to read all the way to the middle to figure out what things on the first page of the letter were talking about," Thompson said. "For instance, he kept referring to somebody named The Cackler without explanation until page 11, at which point I finally found out that The Cackler is my friend Renée—essentially forcing me to read the whole first 11 pages over again. And then there are all the footnotes. I always felt he overused those in his valentines, too."

Thompson said she believes Wallace penned the breakup opus during a January lecture trip to the University of New England in Biddeford, ME.

"When he came back, he handed me a big manila envelope," Thompson said. "He said that during the trip, he confronted himself about some things he'd been avoiding, and that he needed to start living his life in a whole different way. He said the contents of the envelope would explain everything. I was just like, 'Okay, whatever, David.'"

Thompson said she did not immediately open the envelope.

"I assumed it was one of his tomes about, I don't know, the reasons why he isn't going to eat processed sugar anymore, or why he threw out his TV," Thompson said. "Or something like the one where he said, in 88 numbered points, why he didn't want a birthday party."

"Or, God, I almost forgot," Thompson added. "There was the letter where he explained how he now wants to be called 'Dave' and included a page-long description of every single 'Dave' and 'David' he's ever known in his entire life."

On Feb. 5, two days after receiving the letter, Thompson received a voicemail message from Wallace asking her what she thought of it. The message prompted her finally to open the envelope and "crack" the letter. That evening, Thompson slogged through the first 20 pages of the dense, complex Breakup Letter For Claire–Rough Draft, eventually putting it down to begin making dinner. The next morning, she moved the letter from her coffee table to a desk drawer, where it still remains, unfinished.

"Maybe I'll pick it up again," Thompson said. "I'd sort of like to see how it ends. Then again, knowing David, it probably just leaves a whole bunch of loose ends untied."

This article originally appeared in the Onion (and somehow passed me by at the time) but is now only available to paying Onion subscribers. I jacked it from the wallace-l archives. Another site, with equal disregard for the DMCA, is kind enough to mirror a pdf sample of the letter.

Why would variations on the 404 error page become something of an art form? File not found.

Ordinarily I wouldn't care too much about this so-very-Sydney business of Alan Jones rubbing himself up against John Howard and the Australian Broadcasting Authority. They're all stupid and evil, and pity the poor braindead automaton zombie listeners who really do have their stupid little heads loyally filled with whatever Jones is being paid to put into them. But pretty much purely in virtue of the fact that the entire thing has come out through the bitter cynical strivings of just about my favourite 15 minutes of broadcast audio visual a week, Media Watch, I'm enthralled, enthused, delighted, fighting for justice and VENGEANCE!

Anyway, it was nice to read Alan Ramsey's ever so calm, even, moderate, fuzzy hot-chocolate take on it in the weekend Herald. I'd really like to see David Marr and Alan Ramsey united in pilot to gunner mode, zipping about the planet in a reliable, if rusty, old Soviet assault chopper, delivering hot lead, vengeance and shrapnel to those so richly deserving. Then maybe flying under the harbour bridge.

STOP PRESS

In case you missed it, Media Watch are offering fans a free special commerative Stay Brave And True fridge magnet. It would make a handsome and useful addition to any fridge. See hither for details (no picture unfortunately but you can have a look at the actual damn thing for the cost of two stamps and two envelopes: and you won't even have to pay for them if you post it from work).

WHO will go drive with Fergus now,
And pierce the deep wood's woven shade,
And dance upon the level shore?
Young man, lift up your russet brow,
And lift your tender eyelids, maid,
And brood on hopes and fear no more.
And no more turn aside and brood
Upon love's bitter mystery;
For Fergus rules the brazen cars,
And rules the shadows of the wood,
And the white breast of the dim sea
And all dishevelled wandering stars.

--Yeats

Google can do my freaking maths homework. It even knows the answer to life, the universe and everything. How seriously are we to take rumours of a free Google operating system? They're kind enough to share some of their secret knowledge.

Also, Spymac are offering 1 gigabyte email accounts with 250 MB picture storage, 100 MB general purpose storage and a blog for free (as in free beer free) just in case anyone ever wanted such a thing. As you might. In return they only scan your mail and take your babies. Mac people really are different. Help yourself.

You put the Internet at the disposal of the species and what do you get? All kinds of stuff.

Unrelatedly, here's a bear shitting prime numbers. Also, this is apparently the blog of Owen Wilson. It's cool how he's retarded.

I know. Like me you dream of being stuck in a lift with someone as wonderful and funny as Clive Robertson and somebody as mean as John Howard but you admit it's not likely to happen any time soon. For some reason the ABC will go to the trouble of simulating the experience for you. Read a transcript of John Howard confronted with the throbbing cerebral heft of Clive Robertson. Our thanks to the website of the Prime Minister for the bandwidth.

Here's a recent accumulation of educational links to foster your lifelong love of learning. Your one-stop shop is the omniscient Wikipedia - if it doesn't have an entry for whatever you're after you can go back and add it yourself once you've found the information elsewhere. Community spirit and all that. The Fathom archive is Columbia University's "failed" collection of courses from various prestigious institutes, now laid open to the public. It has nothing like the visibility of the mighty MIT OpenCourseWare site which go there.

Less formally, Everything2 and nothing less than The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy have come hither eyes and welcome your contributions.

A well-hashed array of geeky data is amassed at FAQTS. It's good for easy access to things you need but would rather not know, like JavaScript, one nasty little function of which is bringing extra dynamic glitz to parts of this page.

If all else fails, have your Silicon Valley Tarot read online, with symbolism appropriate for the times.

Are you as interested (or trying to be) in mathematics as I am (trying to be)? Math nerds have their own news site: Mathforge, with the latest in what's hot and what's undefined in the frozen eternal mathematical universe that exists without giving one shit about me or you.

Oh well. I take a good deal of comfort from this line of mathematician and pioneer computer scientist John von Neumann (inventor of the famous von Neumann architecture: take a look inside your computer!) who said:

"In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them."

Memepool recently pointed out this page of compsci classics which I mirror here for my future reference.

I certified myself Spiritually Unable to attend uni today (it being all a bit much recently) and am instead at home trying to absorb epsilon-delta proofs of limits. Naturally this involves such procrastinatory acts as filng the drifts of paper that have accumulated since August last year, the last time I filed anything (or threw anything out, or did anything other than pile up all the documents and old newspapers sent or handed to me or fished out of bins). In so doing I found this poem, which I bastard well wrote, and which can now enjoy a larger audience through the magic of this our globally-networked age:

Lauren

why
when you shaved
your infeminine moustache
did you leave those small patches
at the corners of your mouth?

and why
when you bleached them
did you scrimp on the bleach
leaving two small orange smudges
like the embers
of some cheese-flavoured snack?

Part of what makes Futurama so freaking good is the actor who speaks for Fry, Billy West. But did you know he was also Ren's stupid little friend Stimpy? I DIDN'T.

If you're like a lot of people, you probably don't visit the Bob the Angry Flower website every day. Sure it gets a few links on this page but so does a lot of crap, and no doubt you're thinking to yourself "Screw you buddy, why should I?" Here's a little taste of what you're missing out on. Buy me some of his books.

Only half literate? Prefer colours to the endless linear stream of words? Have your personality profiled by choosing your favourite colours. It diagnosed my testicular cancer. From the work-related research of Rachael Cann.

Like most people, I often find myself forgetting many of the words to the following song immortally rendered by William S. Burroughs. For all our references then, here are the complete lyrics:

When you hear sweet syncopation
And the music softly moans
T'ain't no sin to take off your skin
And dance around in your bones

When it gets too hot for comfort
And you can't get an ice cream cone
T'ain't no sin to take off your skin
And dance around your bones

Just like those bamboo babies
Down in the South Sea tropic zone
T'ain't no sin to take off your skin
And dance around your bones 

I've been getting an undefined amount of email asking just what I've been listening to lately. The thing about classical music is that there is so much of it to be had for so little money, a happy state of affairs for students of the poverty line like myself. Naxos rarely ask more than AU$10 for a disc and many of their recent recordings are reckoned by Gramophone "expert" wankers to be the best available at any price (Jeno Jando notwithstanding: avoid the noid) whilst their Historic Recordings, though lo-fi and crackly, are indeed rich with history and analog-y atmosphere. EMI and others are also in the business of reissuing "great recordings" of yesteryear (and the heady 70s, when many such recordings seem to date from, was a great decade for classical music, no doubt on account of all the cocaine then circulating). I've also started to uncover some gems in hidden second-hand stores in Sydney city, at least the ones I can brave the smell of and suffer having to push past distinguished elderly gentlemen thumbing through mouldy old second-hand porn.

Thus have I come upon my recent recommended listenings:

Franz Liszt (of whom you must see this picture) wrote only one piano sonata which I've only just gotten around to hearing. It's lovely and many-textured. Unfortunately the random recording I've got is somewhat muddy and I'm hungering anyway to hear Brendel's performance of it because you know he'll do it right.

Quite by accident in looking for a second-hand recording of the above (damn full-price still-living Brendel) I found the New Zealand String Quartet's recording of Bartok's String Quartets 1-3 (of a possible 6). Now, it's my dream to one day host a series on Classic FM dedicated to the development of the string quartet and Bartok(of whom I've previously enjoyed a pair of piano concertos and some gorgeous folksong transcriptions for piano)'s contribution to the form is reckoned to be the most important since Beethoven's so obviously I was anxious for a listen. I haven't really even begun to delve into them but as first heard they're exactly what I was hoping for. Innovatey.

More recently-discovered "difficult" quartets have been emerging from our stereo ("Alan") in the form of those by one Karol Szymanowski (born Poland, 1882) as played by the (Strine) Goldner Quartet (recorded at the ABC's Eugene Goossens (see below) Hall which I mention only because it's quite near my 'ome) and coupled with the quartet works of Stravinsky with a nice painting on the cover in a release from Naxos for very little money. Roger Woodward, (ugh), of all people, recommended it as his favourite disc of the last decade and true to his description it does have a lovely shimmering quality. The last note of the first movement of the first quartet plunks my twanger. Unfortunately these works will not feature in my proposed string quartet radio program until I am clearer on the pronunciation -- I mean, Szymanowski?

Finally, I bought a random edition of Joaquin Rodrigo's Concerto de Aranjuez on a random whim because I hadn't ever heard a guitar concerto that I could recall. I don't love the form but this piece is great fun with many lovely trilly bits. Worth the download. It helps me not to kill myself some mornings, that and sheer gutlessness and the terror death holds for me.

Which isn't to say I'm not rock kicking it old school. It's just that the vintage rock licks obsessing me went to pretty much the same school, and not very recently: Jesus Lizard's "Goat" and that sad angry little Slint EP with that raw, eloquent cover. Alright? Can I go now?

_{Apparently the Necks now count hordes of both head-nodders and "beard-strokers" amongst their fans.}

Visit Beethoven's own fancy website, apparently, and read a detailed analysis of his violin concerto, amongst other things.

I've been listening to Hilary Hahn's performance of the concerto. She looks not unlike my sister Tegan. Google has more evidence of this.

Some what the French call "exquisite" images: netghost's gallery.

Things I had open in my browswer:

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/06/24/1056220597879.html

http://www.tabcrawler.com/archive.php?action=printable&file_id=120713
http://www.cello.org/Newsletter/Articles/angst.htm
http://inkpot.com/classical/bachvcwis.html
http://www.wimmercello.com/thismorn.html

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A485381

http://www.jcn1.com/BEAR/goodies.HTM

Juvenile, dumb, subtle, brilliant, beautiful. Ah McLuhan, ah Eco. What would you chumps know? Elftor, Pokey, Bob, Dilbert and that's just for damn starters.

James Gosling interviews, he's emacalicious: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

No. 1 (G Major) Playful
No. 2 (D Minor) Tragic
No. 3 (C Major) Heroic
No. 4 (Eb Major) Stately
No. 5 (C Minor) Despairing
No. 6 (D Major) Brilliant

neumu: likes stuff like I like stuff. Like like I like to like.Ow ow ow ow ow [44.1kz].

User Local purports to be some kind of online Slackware community. Slackware gives me a woody. In other uh... news, I always mean to get around to the Linux Weekly News and the Linux Gazette. Humorix is, like, Linux humor. I don't know if it's actually funny or not. Time may tell. I could actually care less about this stuff. I'm sorry. (Damn your eyes.)

Dr Lester Grinspoon collects marijuana testimonials at Marijuana Uses. I don't know if it has recipes. There you'll find an interesting piece called "My Friend Cannabis" by one Mr Meadows.

JWZ: XEmacs, Mozilla, xscreensaver... the guy's trouble, basically. I've always enjoyed his old school stylings. Appalling taste in music though.

M K Asprey, Verbatim Magazine: some dare call it a coincidence.

At last, some smart arse lays the Straight Dope. Cockeyed has something to do with Amy Sedaris. And a little birdy said good things about The Morning News.Steve Albini did a song called "Nutty About Lemurs". Then later, he did another song called "Squirrels" ("And there were thousands of them / This isn't some kind of metaphor / Goddamn, this is real"). This weblog reminded me of them.

Film review sites: Dark Horizons is run by a likeable fellow in Dee Why which just goes to show. Also the oft-quoted Urban Cinefile. Uniquely a'Strine.

Recently "took in" The Weather Underground about the revolutionary student terrorist organisation of the 60s and 70s. Features music by Ian "beery integrity" Mackaye/Fugazi, Sonic Youth and Tarantel. Recommended, ****

Hide your amusement reading Tales of a Computer Zen Master. It's by a'Strine. Also there's the Rootless Root Unix Koans mysteriously found by ESR.

What if Hemingway wrote software?

!!#@#@!@!$@!@!!@#@##@!!@$!
DU|)3! 1337 h4X0r5 0||ly G0oG13! P|-|34R 4 3vA!

So far so good, and all I've seen is the website. Camperdown's Buddhist Library and Meditation Centre seems to offer the most promising program of non-denominational, non-cultish, family-oriented Buddhist meditation as I've seen in Sydney.

Autopsy Report, everyday details of forensic science. Improve your conversational skills with vivid definitions of terms like blunt force trauma.

Hear the one about the conductor, the scandal, the drugs, the sex magic, pornography and the Sydney Symphony Orchestra? Eugene Goossens was his name-o. Were he and the Witch of Sydney's Kings Cross really "just good friends"? And just what was the sinister Sydney Opera House really built for?

Scott McCloud's site includes a mighty comic tapestry on Chess

Also diverting, OzComics's gallery of entries in their 24 Hour Comic Challenge.

Read the realtime or distilled unfolding of the epic development of the Linux Kernel. Is this the greatest computer saga ever told?

Get your SNES Roms here:

A Melbourne girlnerd's blog has a link to a bunch of cute SNES Roms

This site wants to bring back the Cult of Kefka, the greatest SNES rom site that ever lived. Truly awesomeful MIDI plays while your browse.

In search of a deeper understanding of the Tao of Trigonometry: a short course, interactive FAQs and the excessively-named Trigonometry Realms.

Here are some gotos on the Bach's Goldberg Variations, Glenn Gould's recordings of which I can't stop listening to. As usual with this time sink of an Internet, links to more links.

Some kind of goddamn Mark Leyner fansite. Features reports of Leyner impersonating other authors and doing signings as them in bookstores.

An interview with David Foster Wallace -- features DFW's intimate thoughts on Mark Leyner

Here's an interesting reading list from a bunch o' learned fellows.

What are you looking at here? Public bookmarks, basically. Flotsam and netjam.